Sunday, January 30, 2011

Let's try this again!

I have a very good reason for not keeping up like I swore I would. I do really! Last baby has been busy sucking my life away, or maybe that is just how it feels? Due in early August and the little bugger is already performing gymnastics events in there. I've been slow announcing this time for multiple reasons. When you get to #4, you feel like you've uttered those words a few times before. I guess I am feeling a little defensive about the pregnancy. It isn't like it is a secret that all my children have some mild special needs, and yes I am quite busy. I am already aware of all that and I have not been interested in hearing it from others. Now that I am in the second trimester, it isn't possible to wear baggy clothes and pull off the look anymore so I've been starting to tell some here and there.

Timing is eh to me. This will be my closest spacing, 2years and 3 months between Julian and new baby. Julian with his current delays really is just a large baby himself. Ever since Julian was born I had been going back and forth, do I have to have another. There was no question in my mind with the first 3, they needed to be here. Some days I thought I could possibly get by with the three, and other days I'd look in my rearview mirror and see the heads and think one was missing. I had always said 3-4 children and we'd decide after #3. My biggest fear was that I wouldn't go on to have another and then seriously regret it in a few years and have another then. That is not want I wanted to do. As much as I love babies, I've had a baby for 8 years now, part of me wants to move on with my life, starting enjoying having older children, get rid of the massive amount of baby/toddler gear I have stored in the garage. I want to close this chapter of my life and move on with no regrets. I didn't think that would be possible without having another child.

Ryan and I were in serious talks about having another child, I did want Julian to be a bit older, when I discovered I was already pregnant and had been for some weeks. Which certain explains why I had been feeling like crap for a while. Never had a pregnancy where I still got periods before! Obviously we were open to the possibility of another child then or else some preventing would of been occurring. Honestly for me, it was nice to have the pressure removed from having to make the decision to actively try to get pregnant and to discover there was no deciding of what was the right time, etc... It was rather freeing for a person that is a compulsive planner. So there it is, and maybe that I am feeling more human again I might be blogging more and maybe you shouldn't hold your breath either.